Should I even post this? (A plea for your opinion)

The Case of Tiffany's Epiphany - Jim   Stevens

This started off fun.  I appreciated the opening scene:

 

"'Shoot! Shoot! Now! You got a clean shot. Shoot!'

BANG. She shoots.

DAMN. She misses.

'Again! Shoot.'

I'm jumping around like a maniac. 'Don't wait for the trigger. Shoot!'

 

Behind me, I hear voices shouting; 'Get it.' 'Nail it.' 'Come on, put it down.'  'Now!'

 

My lungs ache, I'm screaming so loud. 'Shoot!'

And another misfire.

We're dying out there.

The tide turns.   They take control. They are setting us up for the kill. They are ready to fire. I scream a different tune, 'Get down. Hurry. Run. Stop 'em. . . . Get your hands up.'

Nobody listens.

They shoot. They hit. We are getting murdered.

This is the worst basketball game we've played so far . . ."

 

So, you know, pretty obvious, but kind of cute.  There's all kinds of cuteness here.  Richard Sherlock is coaching his daughter's basketball team, a bunch of ten-year-olds who are more interested in texting friends, and whatever else ten year old girls do these days, than they are in playing basketball.  The sponsor of the team is Morrie's Bail Bonds. The team name is the Bailouts.  

 

I mostly like Sherlock's scenes with his daughters.  it seems as if they have a pretty good relationship and he tries to be a good father, although they live with their mother.

 

The rest of the book goes like this:

 

(But first let me introduce you to Tiffany, the daughter of Sherlock's boss who owns the company that Sherlock works for as an insurance investigator.  Sherlock is training Tiffany to be an investigator too.  Tiffany is the girl all other girls are jealous of because she is sooooo beautiful.)

 

I promised quotes and here they are:

 

"Tiffany is a vapid, spoiled-rotten, rich, self-centered, egotistical girl who will never experience 'an I can't afford it' moment in her life. Down deep Tiffany is a vapid, spoiled-rotten, rich, self-centered, egotistical girl with a good heart.

 

This is where the stupidity starts.

 

After commenting on a woman's black roots, ". . . Tiffany says, 'When I see a salon fox pac, I'm conditioned to point it out."

 

"'Blood!' Tiffany screams. 'I'm standing in someone's blood?'  'Afraid so, Tiffany.'  

'In my $800 Steve Madden's?! Oh my God!'".

 

This is where the ugliness starts:

 

"Why don't you get a new car, Mr. Sherlock?  An illegal immigrant wouldn't be caught dead driving over the border in this one."

 

Get with it, Mr. Sherlock.  The only people who have landlines anymore are AARP members."

 

[Staking out a drugstore]

"'I don't have a choice.  I'm incognito.'

She looks at me with her 'you're telling me something I don't want to know' look. 'Are you wearing Depends?' She asks. 'No, Tiffany, I'm incognito, not incontinent.' . . .

 

. . . Three minutes later, a midsized bus pulls up in front of the store.  I count at least thirty Asian individuals . . . slowly file out of it, all of them clearly senior citizens, none of them especially healthy. . . 

. . . 'Its like Pearl Harbor déjà vu, Mr. Sherlock,' Tiffany says excitedly. 'They must have busted through one of those immigration fences on our Chinese border.' . . . 

. . . 'What were they doing in there?' I ask.

'I don't know.  They were all clumped together, making sounds like silverware bouncing off marble tile. My first thought was they all had yellow fever.' . . . 'It was, like, really freaky,' she says. . . It was like I was a minority person.'

'i'm sorry you had to go through all that.'

Tiffany becomes quite emphatic, 'There's only one thing to do.'

'What's that, Tiffany?'

'Exfoliate.'

[Sherlock enters the drugstore to see for himself.]

 it's a madhouse inside. Thirty or so Asian senior citizens are milling around eating rice cakes. All unhappily wait for their names to be called by the pharmacist who can't speak Mandarin or any Asian language for that matter.  The craziness is compounded by the fact that some of them can't hear very well or they're totally deaf, some can't walk or they just stumble along, and some are just whacked out to begin with."

 

"Arson and Sterno [bouncers at the bar] wear matching pink, shiny, silk jumpsuits. They resemble two mountains of coal wrapped in breast-cancer ribbons."

 

"I survey the bar scene and feel as out of place as a fat girl in a bulimia ward."

 

[At the loading dock behind the bar. Sherlock sends Tiffany over to make nice with the guy guarding the door.]

"'I need your expertise, Tiffany'.

'Oh, which one?'

'Housekeeper Spanish.'

'No problem, I can do that.' . . .

. . .'See that guy over there?' I say to Tiffany . . . 'Go find out how he got beat up.'

Him? He's hardly my kind.' . . . [She goes, she comes back.]

'What did he say?'

'Yo, no say mucho.'

'What does that mean?'

'Not much.'

' Tiffany, did you ask why he got beat up?'

'Yes.'

'And what did he say?'

'I'm not sure. . .  He started yapping faster than Speedy Gonzales on speed and he lost me.'

'Did you pick up on anything he said?'

'He might have said something about not doing windows.'

 

So, that's thirty percent in.  I read the whole thing, but it's not something to be proud of.  It continues in the same vein all the way through.

 

It does have some moments that might be acceptable in any other book and would probably have been a three, but it's overshadowed by more of the same kind of stuff as set out above, condescension and bigotry trying feebly to disguise itself as humor.

 

I'm unsure if I should even post this.  Am I just spreading the stupidity?  If you think the answer is yes, please let me know and I will delete this post.  Maybe, the less said, the better.

 

That's all I have to say.